Fear and Fearlessness

All my life I've been afraid of everything.  Afraid of failing, afraid that people wouldn't like me, afraid I wasn't pretty enough, smart enought, good enought, just generally good enough.

I'm still afraid of a lot of those things (especially the spiders, but as long as there's a sturdy shoe handy, I can live with that.)  But I'm really working on getting over the other fears.

When I was younger I wrote a lot, and wanted to be a writer.  When I was a teenager, I wrote a lot of poetry - I think writing poetry was actually a requirement to be a teenager and one of the few things I did "correctly".

So this blog is to try to help me over-come some of my fears.  Maybe to stop worrying so much about what other people thing about me, and worry more about what I think about myself.  I was explaining to someone earlier this year that I seem to spend all my time trying to please people.

"If I'd lived in France during World War II, I would have been shot as a collaborator," I told her.

That's not a happy realization to come to.

I've also described myself as a little blue smurf in a heavily red state - a liberal in South Carolina.  I've smiled sweetly while listening to conversations that just appalled me.  I don't want to completely swing the other way and turn into someone who starts foaming at the mouth and screaming my opinions at the top of my lungs, but neither do I want to stay silent with an idiotic grin on my face, hoping that no one will sense my liberalism and rip me limb from limb.  (I'm pretty sure they don't say "Bless your heart" when they realize they're harboring a viper in their bosom.  "Carpetbagging Yankee is one of the nicer epithets I've heard, as they start heating the tar.)

So we'll see what happens, as I work on over coming my fears.

So I hope to over come my fear of writing badly...because one has to write badly before one can write well.  I hope to over come my fear of weaving badly....because one has to weave badly before one can weave well.  I hope to overcome my fear of standing up for what I believe in andi not just smile idiotically just in order to keep the peace...because sometimes peace is over-rated and well behaved women never make history.

At least it should be an interesting journey!