Wednesday, November 11, 2015

The Biggest Fear of Death?

I once said, "I'm not afraid of dying."  And I'm pretty sure I'm not, because that's not what ratchets up my anxiety levels.

I'm not afraid of my loved ones dying "normally" - cancer, stroke, Parkinsons - because you generally get some sort of warning and you can brace yourself for the onslaught of grief that you're going to live with after they're gone.  Even though you can never prepare for that grief - in a way, you're still prepared. At the very least, people understand it, and they don't give you a hard time when you start crying because the sun broke through the clouds at a certain angle, and it reminded you of a day with your (mom, dad, sister).

I'm afraid, I am absolutely terrified of my loved ones dying in a motorcycle accident.  Okay, my husband is the only one who rides a motorcycle, so he's my closest loved one. But I have so many friends who also ride, and I'm terrified of losing them that way. Because I just don't want to hear the shit.

I'm pre-emptively angry at the people who ask, "Was he wearing a helmet?"  Because there's one of two answers for that.
    1.  No, he wasn't.  It wouldn't have saved him anyway, since the car that "didn't see him" cut him in half.  Maybe you meant to ask me if he was wearing a cup? Full Body Armor?   Or maybe you just want to tell me that he deserved to die because he was on a motorcycle?.
    2.  Yes, he was.  Please see answer number one.

I'm pre-emptively angry at people who say, "Ohhh, motorcycles are so dangerous!"  Well, not really.  I myself don't drive a motorcycle, because I could never get the balance thing.  The motorcycle wasn't dangerous, I was.  It's sort of like guns...as long as I kept that motorcycle parked in the garage, it never hurt anyone.

The only time I've ever felt in danger on a motorcycle (my husband is an excellent motorcycle driver) were the times that cars came into our lane and we had to swerve.  Or at a 4-way stop when the car-driver made eye-contact with us and pulled out in front of us anyway.  Or the cars who felt that they only had to maintain a safe space between them and the car in front of them...and if there was a motorcycle in that space, it didn't count. All the times a car-driver didn't see us because we didn't count.

I was pondering this, and then comparing it to horseback riding.  You're supposed to wear a helmet when horseback riding.  You're supposed to be aware of your surroundings at all times, when horseback riding (just as if you were riding a motorcycle.)  But when someone dies in a horseback riding accident, the rider is not assumed to be in the wrong.  Were those 4-wheelers riding on a horse-only track? Did something happen to spook the horse on a horse-only trail?

As I said, I don't drive motorcycles myself.  Many of my friends do.  My husband does.  And every time he goes out, I pray, "Not today, God.  Please not today."  I know my girlfriends say the same prayer.  And we're usually lucky, our loved ones come home safe and sound.

Yesterday, one of our loved ones didn't.  And I know that all of my friends who ride, or who have loved ones who ride, will feel the grief, the sorrow and the loss - and the anger.

So try to ride safe.  We love you.